By Jonah Baker
SACRAMENTO Governor Jerry Brown announced that he will be leaving office with a plan in place that addresses several issues at once, including immigration, wildfires, and his own wish for a relaxed retirement.
“We will be implementing mobile technology, whereby Californians will vote on a MoveOnward app, allowing them to choose where they want the state to situate for the extended fire season, from the mid-summer well into the fall. Ellon Musk is helping implement the complex technical aspects of moving the diverse state across the pacific,” the octogenarian said at a press conference held just after Christmas as a “parting gift to the state.”
Open voting will happen after the first year, but due to budget and planning constraints, the first site has already been chosen: in the cool waters between New Zealand and Australia. “Our Summer is their Winter. It will be very pleasant (after the months-long perilous journey across the Pacific), and given the dangers involved in staying, due to the environmental and political climate, this is a win-win. And really, we’ll be coming back. Soon.”
How do residents feel about this? A 3rd grade teacher in Fairfax said, “This will be a great way to teach kids about climate change, world politics, and geography. What if we encounter pirates in international waters? This is going to be exciting. ”
A construction worker/screenwriter in downtown Los Angeles commented, “We better be getting overtime on this. I’m already working on the series pilot. Nothing like this has been tried since the great era of public works projects in America. Will we come back before a green new deal? Will we be allowed to vote absentee after a taste of kangaroo? It’s like Survivor on acid, crossed with Planet of the Apes.”
Musk was seen at the Nevada border using brain-chip enhanced moles to begin the digging process and initiate phase-one separation. “It is just like launching a rocket, only laterally and with millions of people and mountains onboard,” the plucky entrepreneur said. He is donating the first voyage as a public service, but will charge for the return trip “if anyone complains about the on-board food and entertainment.”
Many supporters of GOP policy may jump ship before the App and state launch, projected to be July 15th. “This opens the door to all kinds of Australians infiltrating the United States. Let the vegemite lovers leave,” was part of a statement from a group of Republican legislators who will be continuing their work “in exile,” out of a Las Vegas gentleman’s club.
